


all my days and all my nights

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Fluffy, M/M, Soft Malec, because i can't take anymore angst, deep pillow talk is a malec thing, one day i'll realise what you're actually supposed to put here, very slight homophobia mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:59:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11773134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Magnus and Alec and deep pillow talk, where they somehow end up talking about their fears (again)





	all my days and all my nights

**Author's Note:**

> i had this idea a long time ago and i'm only just writing it now because malec are going through a lot on the show and i think nows a better time than any to remember what they've done for each other :)

Alec had been trying to ignore the glare of sunlight peaking through the gap in the silk curtains that hung across the window, but now that he was awake, there was no chance he was getting back to sleep. Once he was up, he was up. Falling back to sleep after waking was something he'd just never been able to do since he was a child, and he'd always envied Jace and Izzy for their ability to sleep late into the morning on their days off, whilst he was always first to get out of bed. But really, he didn't have anything to complain about on this particular morning. After all, who in their right mind would want to fall back to sleep when they had a snoring High Warlock in their arms?

Magnus would deny any accusations about snoring to anybody who dared to ask, but Alec always woke up before him, due to years of early morning drills at the Institute, and he got to witness the peaceful snores in all their glory. Like everything Magnus did, his snores were calming. They weren't loud and irritating like Jace's were.  _His_ snores were possibly the worst sound Alec had ever had to endure, year after year when Jace first joined the Lightwoods in New York. No, they were nothing like the sounds Magnus was making as he slept. He sounded at ease, his breathing slow and calm, and the air escaping his mouth was warm against Alec's chest where his head was resting.

At the Institute, Alec had hated being the first Shadowhunter awake in the building, alone and bored for hours with nobody to talk to, but here in Magnus's loft, he was rather thankful for his internal alarm clock that wouldn't shut off, because it meant that he was able to witness Magnus in his most relaxed state. No front, no glamour, just  _Magnus_.

It never lasted that long of course, Magnus wasn't immune to the sunlight that was getting more prominent by the minute, and eventually he woke up with a deep sigh, still with his arms wrapped lazily around Alec's waist.

"Morning." Magnus mumbled simply, and Alec's body came alive with goosebumps at the feeling of Magnus's lips moving against his torso. 

If there was something Alec loved more than Magnus's snores, it was his morning voice, deep and rough and genuine.

"Morning. You were snoring again." Alec teased, rubbing soft circles on Magnus's back with a little more force now that he was finally concious.

Magnus made a huffing sound and lifted his head, twisting it enough to see Alec's face without having to move away from the warmth of his shoulder. His face was bare of makeup and eyes barely open but he still looked mesmerising. Magnus's morning face,  _another_ one of Alec's favourite things about waking up in the loft.

"You have no proof that I snore, and because you can provide no evidence, your statement is false and the case is closed." Magnus explained, and smiled smugly at Alec. He leant forward then, pressing a quick kiss to Alec's lips before dropping his head again. When Alec chuckled but didn't reply, Magnus finally gave in. "Fine, but you snore too. Whenever I'm awake early enough to witness it, that is."

"I know, but _I_  don't get defensive about it." Alec laughed, smiling fondly to himself. He didn't have to see Magnus's face to know he was probably pouting in fake offence.

This was how the mornings together were for the two of them, full of light teasing, joking around and lazy kisses. It was especially good on days like today when Alec didn't need to rush away to the Institute but could instead spend the entire day with his boyfriend doing whatever they pleased.

Eventually, Magnus untangled himself from Alec's arms and moved further onto his side of the bed. He was laying on his left side, so Alec rolled over onto his right in order for them to face each other.

Alec took a moment to study Magnus's face, every bump and curve, the soft skin of his cheeks and forehead compared to the prickly texture of his goatee. Without makeup, the golds, greens and yellows of his cat eyes stood out, and they were nothing if not entrancing. His bed hair was messy and tangled, but somehow Magnus still made it look like that's just how he'd planned it to be. There were one or two lines across his forehead, either from stress or a habit of squinting, but they suited Magnus. Somehow, he just made everything look good.

"Take a picture darling, it'll last longer." Magnus now joked, watching Alec as he watched him. Alec rolled his eyes, pulling the covers up as the chill of the morning began to set in.

Somehow, their hands had found each other in the centre of the bed, and Magnus massaged Alec's palm absentmindedly, grateful for the small contact. They fell into a comfortable silence, and for a while Alec began to wonder if maybe it  _was_ possible for him to fall back to sleep as the feeling of Magnus's thumb relaxing the muscles in his hand drove his mind to steadiness.

"Do you remember when you asked me what I was afraid of?" Magnus whispered, his voice soft and muffled against the pillow.

Alec kept his eyes closed but replied, "You're not breaking up with me again, are you? The last time we spoke about our fears, that's kind of what happened."

"Let it go, Lightwood." Magnus giggled, shaking his head fondly whilst simultaneously rubbing Alec's hand with a little more care now.

It was easy enough to joke about their first real break up now that it was in the past and dealt with, but at the time it had been one of the most painful experiences both of them had ever gone through. Although they were grateful for the lesson that they had been taught from the entire ordeal, they didn't want to dwell on their past mistakes. What was done was done, and they were much better off for it now that their trust was reestablished and feelings shared and understood.

"Okay then," Alec hummed, "I guess I can recall that conversation, why?"

"It has come to my attention that I never got to return the favour," Magnus paused, taking a deep breath, "So Alexander, what is it that you're afraid of?"

At first, Alec thought of the obvious things. His family and Magnus getting hurt; his siblings injured during demon attacks or his parents facing cruel charges from the Clave. He was scared for Max growing up, even though he was already a talented Shadowhunter at his age and was more than capable. He was also afraid that one day Clary would get them all into a seriously dangerous situation that they couldn't find their way out of and would have to pay the price for. Not to mention, the idea of Jace potentially dying before him and the severe pain that Alec could face through his parabatai rune was also slightly terrifying and didn't require much thinking about.

These were all true and genuine fears, but Alec knew that they weren't the type of thing Magnus was looking for him to say. He knew already that Alec valued his family and loved ones more than he did himself, and that the idea of them being unsafe in anyway frightened him to the core, but he wasn't looking for that. Alec was aware that Magnus wanted to know something for himself, something that was deeply integrated into Alec's way of thinking, and information that would be difficult for him to share. That's how their relationship worked. They told each other their secrets, their hopes and other thought provoking things they hadn't ever told anyone else, simply because they trusted each other that much after everything they had been through and done for one another.

Then it clicked.

"I'm technically not so afraid of this anymore, but it was a  _huge_ part of me if you still want to hear about it?" Alec finally spoke after sometime, locking eyes with Magnus. Their hands were still joined together in the centre of the bed, and Alec found a lot of comfort and ease in the slight touch they were sharing.

"Of course, Alexander. Anything you are willing to give me, I'm happy to take." His smile was sincere and thoughtful, a prompt to continue his story without fear of judgement.

Alec cleared his throat and tried to ignore the sinking feeling of anxiety building in the pit of his stomach. He loved Magnus more than words, but it still took a lot for him to give up a piece of himself to someone else.

"This may sound a little strange, but a few months ago when I lived at the Institute, I was terrified of the night," Alec began, and exhaled softly when he noticed Magnus's eyebrows narrow in confusion and slight amusement. "I wasn't scared of the dark Magnus, I mean that I was scared of the  _night._ When everybody was asleep, and it was just me alone in my bedroom at the Institute. Being alone meant having no distractions from everything, from myself and my own thoughts. I can remember lying awake for hours just thinking about what would happen if anybody found out I was gay."

Alec's voice wavered then, and as he cleared his throat, Magnus gripped his hand a little tighter, his amused expression fading and slowly morphing into a sad smile.

"Back then, I was so closeted, you know? I mean, you already know how the Clave is. I believed that if anyone found out, I'd stand no chance of getting to run the Institute when I grew up. I'd probably be seriously undervalued as a soldier, all my credibility gone, and just the thought alone kept me up for hours. It wasn't just that the opinion of other Shadowhunters worried me, I was also scared of my family finding out. Looking back, I guess Izzy always knew in some way, but the possibility of my parents hating a part of me after I'd tried so hard for years to be a good enough son for them was too much for me. It made the idea of coming out more a wish and a dream than an actual reality."

Magnus was completely silent, listening intently and watching the frown lines form across Alec's forehead as his emotions began to catch up with what he was revealing.

"Then I met you," Alec looked Magnus in the eye again, and even though his breathing was getting harder and he was struggling to keep his emotions at bay, he still managed to smile at him. "I'm not going to say I came out for you or anything. I learned my lesson the last time I made that mistake. But after I met you, suddenly the night wasn't so bad because instead of lying awake thinking about how completely and utterly terrified I was about myself, I would lay awake thinking about you. There was a small part of me that felt a little guilty for even allowing myself to think about a man in that way, but it calmed me at the same time. I was so interested by you, and the interest was more overpowering than the self hatred. You made it so I was no longer afraid of going to bed and being on my own with only my thoughts as company, and I know it doesn't sound like much, but if you've ever lost sleep over something, you'll know how much it would have meant. I'm so grateful you did that for me." Alec paused, locking eyes with Magnus again. "I will  _always_ be grateful for you, Magnus."

Magnus was stunned into silence, his own eyes damp with tears threatening to fall and he found himself pulling Alec closer to him, wanting to feel the heat radiating from his body.

Curse anybody who had ever made his sweet Alexander feel like he wasn't good enough as himself. Screw the Clave for drilling into him that what he was simply wasn't good enough or acceptable, but laying awake into the early hours of the morning loathing himself was perfectly _fine_  in the eyes of the Nephilim, as long as he didn't bring that baggage to training. If Magnus had hated the Clave before, he completely despised them now after hearing Alec's story.

"Without sounding like I'm praising myself, I'm very glad you found me, Alexander. You didn't deserve to feel that way, and I know how hard it can be but understand that I am here, now and forever, to continue making your nights a place full of love instead of pain."

Alec released a deep, shaky breath that he hadn't even known he had been holding. He'd fought this internal battle long ago and had already won, but Magnus's words hit close to home, and somehow they found themselves swapping roles from their previous positions. It was now Alec cuddled up under Magnus's arm whilst Magnus played softly with his hair, distracting him from the emotions that had risen to the surface.

"You know, it's kind of ironic you weren't a fan of nighttime." Magnus whispered.

"Why's that?"

"Because when I really think about it, I was incredibly terrified of the day."

Now the subject was back on Magnus, Alec allowed himself to pay more attention, turning over slightly so that his chin was rested on both of his hands which were clasped together on top of Magnus's abs.

"I guess it's only fair I share a little something too," Magnus sighed, still running his fingers through Alec's hair. "Well, it's not a secret to you that I'm a Warlock and I'm very old in comparison to you. The first few centuries are nothing but fun, really. Parties are still entertaining, heartbreak is still a new concept and you can still experience many new firsts. It's when you start reaching my age that things get a little more tedious. Everything stops feeling new, and you've seen enough people die to realise that it doesn't actually get any easier saying goodbye,"

Magnus sighed, closing his eyes briefly. "In my case, I eventually stopped seeing the point. I dreaded waking up, as it just meant another day for the same old routine I'd grown into. I didn't feel like I was living anymore, just existing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that something, or someone, would come along who would actually surprise me. And yet, you did. You came stumbling into my life with your Shadowhunter friends and your rules and your stubbornness and all of a sudden I felt like a teenager with an intense crush on a very pretty boy."

When Alec sensed the tension in Magnus's body, he moved his hand to the side momentarily and pressed a soft kiss to Magnus's chest, trying to give comfort in any way that he could. This boy was so precious, and he had never been taught anything about love before or how to handle it and act with his partner, he just did what he felt was right, and it never failed to make Magnus's entire heart swell.

"I really am lucky to have found you. You did something for me that many Warlocks wish someone would do for them. You gave me a reason to want to wake up. You made my days new and exciting again, you made me feel  _alive_ again."

Alec sat up then, pulling Magnus with him so that he was also in a sitting position, and he wrapped his arms tightly around his upper body, resting his chin on his right shoulder. Magnus returned the hug, clasping his own arms tight around Alec's waist and pulling him as close as possible. It may have been a little too tight and uncomfortable a hug in any other situation, but right now it was exactly what they needed. It conveyed everything that they needed to hear.

_I'm here. I'm here and I've got you and I'm not going to let you go._

It was unknown how long they stayed like that, in a silent embrace, just being there for each other in a way no one else could be, but eventually Alec leaned back a little so that he could stare into Magnus's eyes.

"All that excitement and it's not even 10AM yet." Magnus announced, his body relaxing finally.

The usual walls of humour were back up, keeping out any unwanted emotions, but that was okay. It wasn't easy to open up, and Alec knew that he himself used his own stubbornness as a shield sometimes to hide how he was feeling. It didn't matter though, because it meant that moments like the ones they had just shared together were even more intimate and important. 

Alec bent his head down slightly, dropping a few kisses to Magnus's jawline before adding a final one to his lips.

"You good?"

"As long as I have you, I'm good."

**Author's Note:**

> writing this after 218 was a bad idea bc now i'm just sad hdjsja
> 
> if you enjoyed please leave kudos and a comment!
> 
> twitter - @alecsminyard


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